What’s Up Doc?

gpIf you can’t get rich being a doctor down here in Florida, then you wasted all those years going to college to become one. Getting a degree to become a doctor in Florida is like winning the lottery. New construction sites go up on an almost daily basis here and they are usually for 1) new housing developments, 2) shopping centers and 3) doctor’s offices. Around the middle of September, when the weather up north starts to get a bit chilly and elderly people start to wear Long Johns and Snuggies, the Metamucil migration begins. Doctors start to advertise for more nurses to cover their practice, like vultures during a feeding frenzy. Yet, it is very rare that you can get an appointment with any doctor before a week or two, unless you are willing to see his Physician’s Assistant.

You see, he himself is conducting office hours in one of his other three offices. No doctor here, (if he is worth his salt) has only one office. After all, you can’t make a decent living having just one office, can you? Now, once you show up for your appointment, you can forget about the time that the doctor was scheduled to see you. In fact, you are lucky if he will be only an hour late. His shill, (his nurse), will always tell you that he is “running a bit late because of an emergency”. Once he gets to examine you and discovers a problem that you have, he (or she) will always tell you “I wish you would have come in sooner because of this”. Hey, Doc, I’ve been trying to but I couldn’t get an appointment for two months.” To make matters worse, his office was so crowded with very old people that I thought that I was at a reunion of Civil War Veterans.

Of course, here at Sterling Court, the conversation at meal times always includes someone’s medical history. The other day, I overheard one man saying that his AT&T stock went up but his PSA went down, so that was good. A woman at my table mentioned that she was taking up pole dancing. She is 91 years old and uses a walker to get around and so I asked her where and how she practices her pole dancing. She said, “I hold on to the bathtub safety bars in my shower.” This same woman usually sits at my table and the other day they served corn on the cob. She evidently loved it because she was making all sorts of funny, slurping noises while she enjoyed eating it. When she was finished, she put the corn down on her plate and when I looked at it, I happened to notice that the corn was still on the cob. That’s when I realized that she had no teeth. Another woman stopped by to tell us that she just bought 8 one pound jars of salad dressing at Costco. I couldn’t hold back and so I told her that she should have bought just two jars. When she asked me why, I told her, “Now, when you go, your children will be fighting over the other six jars”.

It’s August now and yes, the heat and the humidity are a problem. The other day, I saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog. In fact, it was so hot yesterday, (all together now, “How hot was it?”); it was so hot that many people rushed into the middle of the street so that they could feel the breeze created by the cars as they were whizzing by.

Okay, it’s time for my nap. It’s the law here you know.


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