Since the Good Lord has been kind enough to grant me long life, I feel it is my obligation to pass on to certain members of my family some of the wisdom that I have accumulated over the years. While my children (and my grandchildren) may know more about computers or how to program my VCR, I feel that I can still offer some worthwhile suggestions and advice on how they may avoid some of the pitfalls in life that may come their way in the future. If they thought that my wife and I may had been strict with them in the past, as we were raising them, they never had to endure being in the armed forces, living in a barracks with 30 strangers and having to deal with a drill sergeant who came from the Deep South and who just hated northerners and Jews. I know that my children now have families of their own and don’t feel that they need any advice from me but I’m going to offer some anyway. It has always been a medical mystery how I was a genius when they were growing up and how, in just a few short years, I became an old coot. At any rate, children, here are some of my words of wisdom (and yes, I still have a few of those)
TRUTH #1 – Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
MORAL OF THE STORY: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
TRUTH #2 – When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congratulations!” None of them come up to the man and say, “Good work!”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Hard work is rarely appreciated.
I would also like to add some rules to remember in life:
RULE #1 – Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
RULE #2 – Alcohol does not solve any problems – but neither does milk.
RULE #3 – If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when they are in trouble again.
BONUS RULE: Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by a jealous husband.