Ya Gotta Dive Right In

man_in_poolWhen a person reaches retirement age and decides that he is going to move down to Florida to spend the rest of his years, he must first go down to look around for a place to live. Now, looking for a retirement community in Florida is like trying to single out a particular star up in heaven at night. The choices are endless. First, you have to decide on location. Is the facility near an airport, so that the kids will be able to fly in to visit? If there is no airport within 30 minutes, you don’t even look at it. Now, you look at the facility from the outside. Does it look rich enough so that when you send pictures to your friends back home, they will envy you while they are freezing their asses off in the winter time?Next, we come to the name of the place. Oh, yes, that is very important. You can’t just move into a place called ‘Retirement Village’. Oh no! It’s got to have a name like, ‘Heavenly Harbor’ or ‘Boca West’ or ‘Palm Beach Hacienda’. And it’s got to have a slogan on the sign outside. Oh yes, a slogan is very important too. It would look much better in the pictures that you are going to send back to your friends. How about ‘The Mirage of the South’ or ‘For a Leisurely Lifestyle’? You can choose your own but you get the picture.

Now, for the amenities that it has to offer. Does it include meals? If you are single and don’t cook, a facility without one is a definite ‘no-no’. Do they have enough activities that will keep you busy? You haven’t gotten off your rocking chair back home for the past 10 years but you are looking for a place that has activities. Are the residents younger or older than you are? It’s a retirement community, you shmuck, who do you think you will find living there, teenagers?

Of course, Florida is known for its hot climate and so you ask the question, “Do you have a pool”  The last time you were near water was when you took a cruise 15 years ago but you are asking for a pool? Now, let me just tell you what the conversation was about when I started to choose my retirement facility. The manager was showing me around and telling me about all the amenities.

MANAGER: “Oh yes, Dave, and we also have a pool.”

DAVE: “That doesn’t really matter because, where I lived back East, I was barred from the swimming pool.”

MANAGER: “Why were you barred?”

DAVE: “Well, you see, I like to pee in the pool.”

MANAGER: “That’s not a problem here, Dave. You see here, EVERYONE pees in the pool.”

DAVE: “From the diving board?”

Needless to say, I was not handed an application for that facility.

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